Starting Middle School is Hard! This Will Help!

Originally written July 17, 2024

I have been a middle school counselor for the last 19 years. It is as horrible as you would imagine! But it is also fantastic! With the start of each new school year comes a lot of the same concerns, issues, worries, questions, excitement, anticipation, and every single other feeling because middle schoolers feel them all. As do their parents!

If you are a parent dealing with the impending doom of a child starting middle school, I am here to help. There are several things you need to be aware of that will happen to your child during middle school. You will ask yourself, “Is this normal.” Most likely, the answer is, “Yes!” The number one thing to always remember throughout your journey is that you and your child will survive. I promise!

#1 Middle School is Terrible!

There is no better way to say it. It sucks! Most of the time, the students would much rather be socializing with their friends — I mean, that’s the only reason they actually showed up in the first place. They all think the teachers are mean because they make them do actual work and be on time and bring a pencil to class.

There are unreasonable amounts of adolescents crammed into tiny desks in rooms they don’t want to be in ~ sounds lovely, doesn’t it? The teachers are burnt out and everyone starts counting down the days left until Winter Break in October.

Why is knowing this helpful? Because you can remind yourself of this when your teen begs you to stay home from school. They don’t want to go. This might be a new thing for your child. Elementary school is a totally different ballgame. They had (typically) one teacher who loved them as their own and took care of them all day long. This teacher gave them hugs and read them stories. S/he probably put bandaids on their ouchies. S/he might have sent home a newsletter every week to make sure you knew what was happening. This will not happen in middle school. They will have a multitude of different teachers, all requiring different things and demanding different expectations. Some will be marvelous, others might not be so great.

To summarize, your little baby that has always loved school might be singing a different tune in middle school. That’s normal!

#2 Identity and Relational Exploration is Normal

During adolescence, it is developmentally appropriate to explore different identities. It’s like trying to find the perfect swimming suit for summer. You have to try on a bunch until you find the one that flatters you the most. Kids in middle school change their identities on a daily basis. Now, some are more extreme than others. But if you notice that your child is acting differently from day to day — this might not be anything to worry about. They may start acting like someone they watch on YouTube or dressing like their favorite singer. They will challenge the limits you set on them to see, not only what you are willing to put up with, but to also see how comfortable they are with pushing you and exploring their own autonomy.

It is also completely normal for them to go through friends like dirty socks. They are learning how to have adult relationships and some are better at it than others. Before middle school, relationships/friendships were relatively easy and straightforward. Added bonus, the teacher typically made sure everyone was nice and respectful to each other all day long. Well, not so much in middle school. They are with different kids and different teachers throughout the day, and they will encounter kids at times with little to no adult supervision. This is when they have to stand up for themselves and learn what they will put up with from others and what they won’t, what characteristics make up a good friend and what don’t. You are their compass. You point them in the right direction, but you can’t be there for them in those moments. Just trust that you have instilled good things in them. And gently remind them that you are always a soft place to land when they need reinforcement.

#3 Friends’ Opinions Matter More Than Yours

All these friendships that they are making and breaking on the daily ~ these people’s opinions mean way more to your child right now than your opinion does. Because they are learning how to navigate adult relationships with their peers, they are absorbing all of the information from those around them.

Rest reassured that you have built a strong foundation for them before this monstrosity of adolescence has set in. They will do dumb things, and they will make bad choices. If you have given them good core values up to this point, those will not go away ~ they might just hibernate for a little while.

Know that your sweet darling is still in there. They just care a lot less what you think, and they may think you are the most embarrassing thing on the planet. We know you were cool in high school, but they DO NOT CARE!

#4 Social Media is the Devil

I’m not sure I really need to explain this one in too much depth because I think we’re all aware of this. However, I will just reiterate that all social media is the devil, especially for teens. Because of #2 and #3, social media is especially awful for them. They are learning how to navigate relationships and care more about those relationships and their image within those relationships than just about anything else. Therefore, they are CONSTANTLY comparing themselves to people online ~ friends, enemies, celebrities, anyone, and everyone.

The more time they spend on social media, the more time they spend comparing themselves to others. In turn, the more time they spend believing that they don’t measure up.

I know. I know. It can be unavoidable because your little angel has to have a way to communicate with all her friends and the only way to do that is through some app that came out yesterday because they don’t want their parents to know what they’re talking about. Proceed with caution. Just make sure your kids know how amazing they are and the side effects of constantly comparing themselves to other people’s highlight reels. Be open with them about how social media makes you feel and listen to them when they talk about others so that you can remind them that they are just as good, if not better.

If you take nothing else away from this ~ just be aware of what your kids are doing online.

#5 Young Adolescents Don’t Understand Tone of Voice

This one gets me every time. Every year kids come into my office upset because their parents “yelled” at them. Once I hear the story, they were not yelled at, they were spoken to sternly. My students are also always getting “yelled” at for their attitude ~ but they didn’t have an attitude and they were just yelled at for nothing. I cannot tell you how many times over the last 19 years I have had this exact conversation.

Look it up! There have been actual studies done that found that teens struggle to match the appropriate emotions with the correct tone of voice. They honestly don’t hear it! They don’t hear the inflection in their voices that we, as adults, interpret to mean sass. So the next time you feel like your teen is giving you an attitude, have a conversation with them about tone of voice. I guarantee it will make all the difference in the world.

Now, I’m not saying that teens don’t have an attitude at times ~ I’m just saying that realistically, they don’t always intend to.

#6 Young Adolescents Don’t Have a Fully Developed Sense of Forethought

They can’t think about the future in the way that adults can. Their brain hasn’t built that part yet. They are still learning about consequences and cause and effect. They cognitively can’t think very far into the future. They need help understanding that what you do today will affect tomorrow. Now, this differs with individuals based on their cognitive development and maturity, but it is not uncommon for girls to be better at this than boys, statistically. This is why it seems that adolescent boys do more dumb things than adolescent girls. They literally can’t think about the consequences.

This does not mean that you should give them a free pass when they make stupid choices! It just means maybe give them a little grace because they are still learning. You are their teacher.

#7 They Smell

They really do. All of them. Badly. They also sometimes don’t know they smell. They need you, a safe space, to tell them that they stink. They need a reminder that they need to wash themselves really well, everyday. They might also need another reminder come Spring when the weather starts to get warm again.

This is such a taboo topic. No one likes to talk about it for some reason. But kids get made fun of all the time because they stink. Teachers come ask me to talk to this kid or that kid because they smell. Teachers have asked me to come talk to entire classes about this very topic so often that I wrote a book about it!

I’m not kidding. If this is a topic you find difficult to talk about, or you just need some help getting the conversation started, I would suggest checking out my book on Amazon ‘Don’t Be The Stinky Kid: A Middle Schooler’s Guide.’

#8 They Still Love You

This is what I love best about middle schoolers, they love their parents so much! They won’t tell you as often but they tell me. If they are worried about you, they’ll tell me. If they feel bad about something that happened between the two of you, they’ll tell me. They are still your babies and they still love you so much.

This is probably one of the most difficult times in their lives, the most difficult so far. Everything is changing for them. They don’t mean to be horrible. They really don’t. As long as you keep that in mind (along with all the other things), you and your middle schooler will be just fine after this is all over.

But come back for more great middle school tips and tricks!!

Stay sane out there!